My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
