Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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