I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
