There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
