I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
