just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
