are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
