he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
