I want to walk on stilts...naked
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
