My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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