you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
