checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
