I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Come on in and take your pants off
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