oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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