two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
