hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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