4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
