Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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