Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
