i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
