He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
