So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize