guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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