I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
