Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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