i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
