Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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