i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
