I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Did I show you my penis last night?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I think people are normalizing furries
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