I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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