Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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