i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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