12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
