Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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