why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
