Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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