maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
