the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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