Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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