I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
