you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
