my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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