So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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