you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
