I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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