I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
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