Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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