Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
