Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
