i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
