Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
