How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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