So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize