swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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