the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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