Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize