I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I need a beard to bite.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
