Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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